"It's okay.

It's okay to want someone you can't have.

It's okay to cry when you're hurt &

It's okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you.

Believe it or not, its always going to be okay.

That's just how it works.

Sometimes things don't work out how you want them to &

Most o the time, it seems like they never will.

But everything is going to iron out some way or another.

You just have to believe, keep your faith & move on."

[ credits to http://idareyoutoclickthis.tumblr.com ]

*noDs* *nOds*

[credits to http://moncheechee/tumblr.com]

i tink. . .

if its meant to be. . . then, its meant to be.

if it isnt meant to be. . . then oh well, its just not.

sigh.

i dun wanna fight no more.

it wasnt suppose to b this way.

it hurts.

hurts ALOT.

maybe just love alone aint enuff.

b4 this, a stab thru the heart with salt all over.

now, stabs thru the heart plus a twist with the blade, continued by slashes and salt water.
my heart is drowning in all this salty water.
gasping for air..
struggling.. hoping just for the stabber to look me in the eyes and show me this ac is an act of love.

sometimes i wish u nvr showed me again how it felt like..
so that at least i wun noe wad i'll b missing when u take it away..
but wud it b better to hav had then nvr b4?

tigers around might just prance..
for this opportunity..
and the stabber might just fall for a new heart to stab..
but wad can i do rite.

love is INDEED blind.

Oopsie..
its the 1st day of the last mth of the yr already..

so what hav been accomplished?
some stuff.. *nods* *nods* :)

and what hasnt??
hmmm.. loads.

time to list out new yr resolutions.. alot alot of those... so that i can achieve.. 1? 2? ehehehe..
i dun even rem this yr resolutions now that its end of the yr.. so that wud count as not achieving any?
but how wud i noe i achieve any if i duno what it is? hm.. very steph-michie conversation... been lacking those :( miss u chickie!

"Sometimes d past is smth u can't let go of

n

Sometimes d past is smth we do anyting to 4get

n

Sometimes we learn smth new bout d past dat changes everything we noe about the present"

-Grey Anatomy, Season 6, Episode 9, New limits-

hate it when shit happens..
need to crawl into bed and hide under the covers..
to be detached from the real world..
to be as far from reality as possible..
doesnt make a diff to tell the first person that pops into mind..
but it feels better if u do..
wun deny any responsibility..
wudnt defend oneself..
mistakes happens..
shit happens.

tumblr.com

ever heard of it?
love it.
tot of getting one but.. not so creative u noe wif all those words and all those pretty pictures
nice :)
just so my ting.
wonder any1 noes bout it.
but i reckon no1 around me wud b interested.. other than.. baby? hehehe.. hmm..

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have & the decisions we waited too long to make”

"My life is proof that mistakes get made. We all stand for something. It's all a matter of who is strongest. Do you crumble under pressure? I don't. We play games with each other like everything is going to end up okay. We are destruction. The epitome of what is darkness. We're all hiding something. The secrets and lies we form our friendships on. Nothing is as important as you make it seem. Your drama is old, your shit is weak. I'll let you all fall behind. I'll give you a taste of the dust you smothered me with.I CAN and WILL overcome. I am strong. With that, I bid you a good day. "

"No matter how hard we try to ignore it or try to deny iteventually the lies fall away, whether we like it or not.But here’s the truth about the truth— it hurts. So, we lie.”

[credits to http://idareyoutoclickthis.tumblr.com/]

hmmm...

sometimes i duno y i do the tings i do.

suddenly miss the long bus ride from melbourne city to the great ocean road

nice.

i feel like slapping myself for not noting to remember its gian wan's bday todai. 7th november.

shits. but it is still 7th nov now... if it wasnt for fb i wud hav totally 4gotten. work has been to bz.. bz week for me.. 8.30-5.30 shift, more like till 6 everyday.. lunch duty... weekend duty... and d stupid forensic test on mon, when i'm suppose to b on my sleeping day..

oh yes, this post is suppose to b bout gian wan heheheh..

anyways, we've gone a long way.. since sem 1... i nvr relli understood y in sem 1 that i went to talk to her.. coz normal michele wudnt bother bout 'gian wan-ness in sem 1'.. hehehe.. but everyting happens for a reason.. and it did prove itself le.. i wudnt 4get the day in the lib when she was thr and she was the appropriate person to inform me and that i din need to feel ashame that rain poured.. and that cud hav just been d reason for sem 1 to 'make up' for sem 5...

i nvr liked it when she started calling me 'woman'.. i always tot !!! but then aft awhile i got use to it.. and i actually miss it now :(

Happi 23rd b'day, WOMAN :)

greys was gud.
it was wow.
not awesome wow.. just wow.
wow surgery.
wow optimism. its like optimism diarrhoea. its optimism beyond... how can any1 hav such optimism. unimaginable. spinal cord tumour + whole family died in war + wife and kids died in smth... and still.. so optimistic? quite impossible.

imagine being in an OT for more than 21 hrs...
imagine having a successful surgery..
imagine how gud it wud hav felt after 21 hrs and the surgery went all well.. all gud..
and the patient that tot he wud b paralyze wasnt and that the tumour was out..
imagine if u were THE doctor..
THE one..
seeing ur patient cry wif joy.. bcoz of wad u did..
u cud hav just been god to him..
wow. that wud hav felt gud wudnt it?
awesomely gud.

but i wudnt noe that..
but i'm not saying that in a sad way..
i mean i noe my limits..
and i wud be 'awesomely feeling gud' in my context.. to be able to counsel well.. dispense well.. wif confidence, knowing ENTIRELY wad i'm doing and saying.... in PROPER chinese and PROPER bm.. ya that wud b MY awesome..
sounds very very kampung next to a spinal cord tumour of coz.. but.. oh well.. :)

hmmm.....
i wonder......
1. how do u handle the adrenaline hype.. and not mess tings up?
2. how do u show that u're confident when u're not? pretend?
3. how does it feel to b meredith while derek explains to her bout the surgery and drew the tumour on the wall? pros and cons?
4. how does the future look like?

work-able?

hehehe

wud b most favourable of coz...

.

everyting is gud now :)

.

..

i'm not gona let anyting happen

not in a million yrs.

shitty to the max max max
i HATE presentations...
reli gets me all grauchy aft that..
i'm actually planning to get time off aft that..
BUT thats just to 'shesh-ed'
its just a freaking presentation for christ sake..
BUT its my 1st.. aHhHHhHhHh...
tenk gudness thrs 2 more group members..
if not.. i wun b sitting here sipping coffee slowly.. not started wif any reading up..
BUT whatever.. i'll still b doomed..
we will still b doomed..
SHIT.
i dun mind being asked ques..
and definitely there are those that we cant answer..
definitely..
but if the tone and intention is for all of us to learn.. then y not..
BUT apparently by the tone of some.. they're just out thr to make u look bad.. and god noes whether its just to show some sort of 'newly granted authority'..
shesh.. oh plz..
and then dun come running around saying that we are rude yada yada yada.. if u want us to respect u, u shud EARN it..
no doubt we shud show some sort of polite-ness just coz u're more superior... but we're no servants kowtow-ing to u.. do we need to roll a red carpet everytime u come into ipd? :P
everytime i c ones face i feel like going into a bitch fight wif her..
ya i noe.. a bitch bitching bout another bitch...
so.
u noe last week was not even necessary..
for new comers.. they performance was quite good..
but dats in my own context onli..
anyways..
questions were ac quite relevant...
but the TONE... and the look..
ok nvm.. u noe, a bitch is a bitch.. even when she doesnt open her trout..

non-directional bitching?
ok maybe i shud shuddap and start reading up..
if not i'll just b the short bitchy looking prp..
rude? oh dats just nth.. been labeled dat since pri skool!
talkative? loud? hehehe.. talkative.. appears every single yr in the report card..
why is? hehehe :P

smth that wud hav triggered me or u once upon a time for an angry moment or a cold war is not smth that wud trigger us again now, rephrase.. it still does, just that the weightage is less now, bcoz aft all the ups and downs, getting angry over smth like dat is just not worth it
and
shant & wont jeopardize this over anyting else, for we have definitely learned from the past and noe wads important...... to cherish one another. dats for me at least.

na si wa si lu..

i wil sio.. wa si sng tiok hamik..
ta pai wa lang si sng tiok hamik..
an chua ane mik kia eh happen..
na si lu eh feelings si ane... ta pai si hamik..

no doubt.. na si wa si lu..
i wil feel real hurt..
beh chai an chua face lu..
beh chai tolok salah..
lu salah but siang salah eh lang si e..
but
wu leh mik kia.. mo de kai 1..

na si kong wa ai take into account liaw liaw lang eh feelings including urs..
more over wa tu beh pat lu..
although wa si eh tang imagine if wa pang wa ka ki in ur shoes..
lu si an chua sio..
lu si an chua feel...
wa chin chin wu ane sio.
BUT
na si kong wa tiok ai sio everyting for pak lang..
then how bout wa ka ki?
wad the heck for rite..
bo pien, lang jiu si ane selfish.

comprehend-able?

ups n downs
sun n rain
tsunamis n earthquakes
fights n silence
sadness n happiness
smiles n frowns
pennies n cents
this n that
wrongs n rites
emails n smses
calls n notes
shirt n bear
mistakes n lies
kisses n hugs
luv n hate

we've been thru it all..
say it, name it, its happened.. most of it..

loopholes n doubts
fears n questions
guilt n guilt
past n future

well, screw all dat.
wads most important is... :)
thats the onli ting that matters
everyting else petty.. try come in the way? but dats just nth..
if we've been thru tsunami, then what is a bit of storm?

i hold trust.. i do.
bcoz if its meant to b, its meant to b.
yups, i belief dat.
:)

nvr knew my threshold cud reach that high.
i was nvr like that.
hmm..
nvrtheless, still counting down the days.

Can i get my McDreamY back plz.

i use to 4get
but now I rem..
this I like a lot
but that I dun
recalling… accumulations of that wud b y..
but the diff is the approach..
dun like too much of that…
but when too much of that is gone and thrs a new that… dun like it as well..
prefer a balance..

humans are nvr satisfied..
but humans arent robots.

No1 is at fault,
we’re just protecting ourselves from being hurt…

for we noe how bad it feels..

wud it hav made a diff if we let down our guard... just abit?

CanceR

what do u do wif a 90 yr old pt diagnosed with colon cancer?
hmmm... depends on the stage?
dun quite rem the medications..
capecitabine, pyridoxine, loperamide, folic acid, multivit., ferrous fumarate...
and
worried looking kids.. 60+ of age...
what if it was ur mother? or u grandma?
kinda sad to watch u noe...
sitting on a wheel chair staring into space..
u noe old ppl can b suicidal too..
personally kinda seen it...
i mean if i were the old lady i wud hav tot.. i mean y bother for chemotherapy.. y do i need to bear all those side effects.. i m so old oledi.. i can just die now.. i've seen my grandkids.. i've seen my grandkid's kid... so its time..
i wonder if she has an old husband dats alive?

oh well the tings u c in the cancer clinics..

like when a 19 yr old guy come wif a prescription... the first ting to say is 'untuk siapa?' - wifout looking at the IC.. reply: untuk saya... *looks at diagnosis* sees... NPC (nasopharyngeal carcinoma)
ac makes u tink how lucky u r.. but just for 5 secs..
y? coz humans do that.. and we just like to b all dramatic.. complaining bout the license exam in 3 weeks and my IE presentation in 2 weeks...

i made a weird remark todai aft being told the cost of most of the meds..
paclitaxel: RM3.50
irinocetan: RM 3-4k
my remark: if i get cancer, i must come to GH.
hehehehe.. yar i noe..
i tink the frp was like . . .

hmmmm....
on another note....
i wonder bout.
and
i tink that.
but
what is it in actual fact. hanging? skimming?
duno-ness? join the club of 2.
dun matter the status quo.
but
still thr.
me bitch.
u bastard.
what to do.
wrong n rite dun exist in adulthood.
just a plain grey area.
realise that?
dun we just 'lurf' these grey areas.
@_@

stupidly S T U P I D
&
idiotically I D I O T I C ?

aHhHhHHhHHHHHhhHhhH....
i duno.
i duno.
i duno.

what is? hehehe.. oh gosh i miss those what-is-times.

Hmmm...
God, plz let me hav a sneak peak of the future plz..
maybe like a real fast movie trailer...
dat'll b nice.. plus on a flat screen plasma tv.. wu.. betta :P
oo...
&
while ur at it, can u fast 4ward time so that i can get my pay..
coz my wallet and savings account is having an all time economy crisis.
Thanx.

kekekeke.. :)

yada yada yada yada yada yada....
i care but i dont..
i noe but i dont..
i can but i wont..

i noe dat i can.. but still wont...
i noe for sure this time i relli can... wif s/e that i can tolerate (hiak.. sounding like a pharmacist hehehe) but i still wont..
so when will i?
might not need to... u noe
but bombshell is hard to predict.
dun like them.
hate it when u dun c one cumin.

wanting none.
well.. cud b betta n easier.
honestly but not so definite... that u cant.. coz u just cant.. coz part of u is back.
like how once i cudnt and how i noe i relli cudnt..
unlike now..
my percentage of 'can-da-bility' (own created word) i tink is more than urs..
but some tings are hard to say.

hehehhehe... ya i noe... what the hell m i ranting bout rite.

I tink the initial intention was to comment wif a username linked to the blog..
So that one wud noe the existence of such a blog..
Ooooooo…. I see…
I clicked on the username.. went to the profile page just to confirm my eyes.. ehehehe.. then close the window.
Wasn’t even interested in reading the blog…
Dun even wanna noe n dun care wads going on in this person’s life so y read rite..
to hell wif wad u tink.... cant b bothered at all... hehehehe..
And besides.. dun need to ‘play’ this ‘blog war’ kinda ting.. over some1..
not gona sit in front of my comp like mou mou ren and check ones blog like 4 times a day… QID k.. sot.
Sori kid… too childish for me.
*shrugs*

Mei wan mei liaw man. Hiak.
If its not about anyting new then its bout some super old post like half a yr ago..
Oh plz… ages ago.
Feel free to read and interpret however u like it..
just in case u dun understand..well, sori but no1 will answer ur ques.. n u will nvr noe the answer.. too bad.. life's not fair.

My advice is for u to read the last email over n over again.
Understand the words n meaning in and out..
Too lz to repeat myself so that the information can enter ur thick skull..
Damn sure it is thick. Hiak.

Ok. Shant convey any msg to u here or anywhr else ever again..
I mean I got a life and a lot more better tings to do.
Toodles~

i love love love love....

aHhHhHHhH... i love love love love Yo Mama Jokes!!!
hhehehehehehe....
seriously NVR FAIL to make me laff..
even if i read it over n over n over again..
*imagining alicia turd's laff*
i do miss her at times..
ya like the time when ben n her cudnt stop laffing over NOTHING!
silly turds.
anyways.. .....
re-posting...
.....
Yo Mama Jokes..!!!!

Yo Mamma SO fat that…

1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

2. she’s got her own area code.

3. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.

4. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.

5. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

6. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.

7. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.

8. when she gets on the scale, it says “To be continued.”

9. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, “Taxi.”

10. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

11. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

12. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

13. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.

chants in head everyday.

todai i m going to giv her the benefit of the doubt.
despite all the tings i have heard and noe,
kinda confused between which she is...
wanting to show that she's got it all?
or merely just wanting to b helpful?
but ac it dun matter relli rite?
it dun matter todai.
may or might not matter tomoro.. i duno.
todai i'm gona tink that she wants to help..
anyways whatever her mindset is... at least the information is sure gona b useful.
thanks. :)
i noe it wud relli help.
i guess i hafta change my perception..
anyways.. a change of perception wud make me a happier person at work..
despite not doubting at all what i have heard n noe.
kak ho tia, change of perception..
kak bo ho tia, dun giv a shit n ignore whatever not productive.
Ignorance is bliss.
ignorance and denial.. just a thin line that differentiates it both? heheh... duno.

on another note...
gosh made me GAWK at the feed statistics..
desperately wanting to noe..
hiak... belalak.. new bahasa s'wak learned! Seng bet u duno what that is. thats like the next level of language understanding.. at least for me :P
anyways, nvr fail to make me tink... what thE HECK!

sudden randomness...
but i miss goose time wif dafenie and ame in the tribal house watching In Her Shoes while eating butter prawn rice from happy cook and talking about that old man in the old folk home whr cameron diaz worked at.
nice times.

square one.

here it goes again.
back to square one.
hmph.
sien.
expected.

yen lai wu eh mik kia si beh tang sia in hokkien bcoz wa eh hokkein beh kau teng!
ekekeke..

just turned on my blog comments moderation not long ago...
wu eh lang eh comments chin chin si beh tang kua lang...
if lang beh song lu..
no matter wad lu kong pun si e eh ngeh si sut lu...
chin chai e la...
but wu si chin sien..
its like wanna blog but sio eh ho lang sut.. tu bo mood liaw..
but oh well..
blogging in hokkien aint too bad..
honestly tink its quite a bright idea :)
dat way wun need any comment moderation anymore~
easy pessie~
who ever ever wanna read.. come la.
if u dun get it then too bad la..
coz close frens around understands.. definitely..
and that is partially the whole point of the blog... rite eva? like now every1 noes u are coming back in 3 mths - REMEMBER the eiffel tower keychain! REMEMBER!

p/s: ah sori baby if u dun understand, i will personally translate it for u :)

enough is enough.

my gawd
wud u like GIVE ME A BREAK.
go do wad u tink u hafta do over thr..
go do UR TING.. watever it is..
LEAVE ME ALONE damn it.
giv me my freedom of blogging wifout u preying around..
wud u get away from me..
wad shud i do to make u shut the hell up n get the fuck away?
do i need to admit that its my fault?
oh fine fine.
its my fault
everyting is my fault.
EVERYTING.
yar i'm the cheap bitch.
BLAME ME... yes me.
ok happy?

dun bug me plz.
JUST go n b wif ur so-called-partner

yar TENKS.

INTERESTING week isnt it.. hah and the week hasnt even ended..
work and else-whr-god-noes-whr-n-who..
like strawberry head said...
these are the ppl that make ur life interesting..
oh well...
if i feel sad bout it.. they will b satisfied..
if i feel angry and mad.. they will b satisfied..
if i feel irritated and annoyed.. they will b satisfied..
satisfied bcoz that wud b the response they wud want..
BUT
i m not.
i feel INDIFFERENT.
desensitised perhaps?

i duno y ppl do the tings they do...

1. coz they feel inferior so they try to bitch about u so it makes them feel better?
2. those who are in denial? tinking that their failure in their r/ship is solely due to sum1 else when the underlying problem is their bf themself.. but of coz if it makes them feel better to lash out at me.. in additin to their frens doing so... then wad can i say.. its a wonder y they just dun get it no matter how detailed the situation is being explained.

Oo.. whatever.. n TENKS for making my week so interesting so far :)

p/s: the onli ting that irritates me most are comments in POOR ENGLISH.. omg.. if u wanna lash at me.. use GUD ENGLISH.. i mean i'm afraid i might just misintepret ur meaning.. TENKS.

Issues.

boy the way u do me it's a damn crime
and u smile at me and it's alrite
wif u thr ain't no in-between

every time dat i walk out d door
tell myself i won't take it no more
thr's a part of me dat won't let u go
keep saying yes while my minds saying no

me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate u or miss u
damn i wish that i could resist you
can't decide if i shud slap u or kiss u
me and my heart we got issues
WE got issues.....

change my number and throw out ur clothes
but my feeling for u it still shows

i keep building a wall round my heart
but then i see u and it all falls apart

why fight it, can't hide it
truth is i think i like it
confusion, illusion
still i don't know which way to go

me and my heart we got issues
don't know if i should hate u or miss u
damn i wish that i could resist you
can't decide if i shud slap u or kiss u
me and my heart we got issues
WE got issues.....

d u n o .

theres comes a time in ur life when u duno y u do u tings u do. u duno how to define the feelings. confused. recap to find this kinda feeling.. hmm dun exist. how did it happen from beginning to end to now. feelings do matter but is it necessary to fragment it and analyse plus define each and every1 one of them? cant feelings b just restricted to simple ones we learn in skool like sad, happy and just angry? but my brain works to analyse each feeling.. mine and urs.. assume ur feelings... assume ur answers.. predict ur tots.. zZzZzzz.. duno whr i'm heading here..
anyhow, well defined or not, all i noe is that following the flow rite this minute givs me more laughter and smiles, more hugs, more care and more comfort. then what does this say? differs from the definition of feelings analysed.
outcome?
do whatever that fits into my comfort zone.

ya i noe.. weird, non-directional.. meaningless post.

randoming aft pissiness

u noe it,
when u wake up in the morning and the air ac smells GUD.
negative.

u noe it,
when u drink water and it ac taste SWEET.
negative.

u noe it,
when u're trashed at and yet u ac smile.
negative.

air has no smell for me and water is tasteless.
i dont noe it yet.
i might just nvr ever noe it the rest of my life.
i wonder.

aRgHhHHhHhH!!!!

i havent been so pissed off in such a long time..
as in this MAXIMIZED PISSY-NESS..
blardy hell..
i seriously wanna explode..
if my mom wasnt thr.. i wud hav just spat out anyting i cud in my rotten BM..
my new pierre cardin bra!!! ahh!!!!
R U I N.
50 bucks.
yes call me cheapskate coz i m.
i just wore it ONCE!!!
heylo how can u wash a push up bra wif out taking the padding out when drying!! (yes i wear push up, ac 1st push up bra ehehehhe.. zzzz..)
well duh surely it wun dry entirely.. thus leaving a freaking patch rite near the middgle of the bra!!! ahhh....
do i need to teach common sense too!!
n how can u squeeeze all the water out from a bra.. well then of coz chau heng la!!
m i supose to tell u every single step in hand washing a bra..
u r the maid.. NOT ME!!!
i seriously wanted to ask her 'do u noe how much indon money dat bra wud hav cost?'..
yes.. damn bitchy.. i dun care!
damn ruin.
maids are not our frens.. not our family members. we pay them to work.. and compared to other maids.. she does fairly little work.. coz thrs nth much to do around.. anen i ask u to hand wash a bra.. anen u hav the cheek to laff and tell me oh not dry enuff so got stain..
alo.. apa lawak sangat tu??
is it so funnny!!
blardy hell...
i pay u so i expect u to do tings RITE!!!
my aunt was complaining dat my cuz is not so nice to her maid.. coz she gets the maid to bring her handbag to her car.. er... SO..
they pay her.. so if they want her to carry their bag then carry la!
maids are humans too i noe....
but then i wun ask my maid to cary my bag...
but the point is... dun expect us to treat our maids as family members coz they are not!! n if u do treat them extremely nice.. they will step over u.. just like the previous maid..
bleh..
just wanna vent my pissiness at the maid.
aHhHhHHhhHhH my poor bra!! outta shape oledi!! sum more i haven gotten my pay yet... korek-ed from my super lil salary as a temporary clerk.
fuck.
i wil get over it.
just not so soon.

p/s: yes eva, i m a spoilt brat, spoilt brat, spoilt brat.

once upon a time feeling..

this once upon a time feeling.... is back.
not ALL of it..
but.. enuff to recall..

u like to do this to me don't u..
purposely wanna trigger me?
u noe it'll work rite..
are u testing the extent of my care for u..
makes me wanna go into fits!
i dun need to b kept informed of it..
but at least i noe u care..
and at least it din ruin my nite... like how it wud hav had.

i hate it when u make me pissed off when i shudnt b.
i hate it when i duno y i m attracted to reckless.
i hate it when i noe i will always care no matter wad.
HATE IT.

tracking device on me.

it feels as though i've been hooked up with a tracking device
and that every single ting i say in my blog is being read..
its meant for close frens onli who noes this blog exist..
but apparently not anymore..
but bloggin in cyberspace is meant to b made public..

contemplating to block it wif a password..
but dont like the hassle of informing every1 the password.. just to block 1 person..
so ya..
anyting is fine.. relli..
its ok..
who cares anyways.
read, just dun comment..
so then at least i can PRETEND U DUN EXIST..

anyways old mentality stays..
i'll say whatever i want to say..
n do whatever i want to do..
n one hand in the air trying to clap wun form a clap.. needs another hand to clap.. duh.
i cant guarantee that there wun b any clapping in future.
ok.. enuff said.
the end.

SORRY I m just the bitch that I m.

I nvr tot any1 else aside from eva, seng, vina and a few others wud read my blog..
but I guess since it isn’t lock so… its ‘made available’ to every1 to read..
but dun tink any1 wud care about the content..
nvr did I expect that sum1 wud use it against me..
but like I mentioned b4.. its my blog.. I’ll say anyting I want..
but oh well..
u can judge all u want..
u can curse me for all I care..
u can accuse me of trying to b pitiful..
well that is ur opinion… and I honestly dun giv a shit..
classify my blog as ‘bodo’.. whatever..
well if its so stupid then y do u even bother checking it..
and I’m sure u’ve checked it more than once..

I wun interfere in ur life if u dun interfere in mine..
U can go ahead and say that I interfere in urs..
I admit that I did.. but that was a yr ago..
Sori bout dat.. I felt guilty too ok..
BUT.. its wasn’t my fault entirely..
Takes 2 hands to clap, takes 2 ppl to mingle..
But its been a yr.. 365 days ago..
I mean me n u aren’t frens.. nvr will… nvr shall..
It aint rite..

Oh well..
What has been done, has been done,
What has been said, harsh or not, has been said,
Like it or not..
Seen it or not..
Its been done.
The past is the past.
Focus on the present.. of wad lays ahead.. the future..

No doubt that I wish that tings wud b different…
I relli do wish so..
BUT i’m not gona force or point a gun.. just to make tings my way..
Call me a liar..
Call me a cheater..
Call me two face..
I D U N C A R E.
Bcoz I dun giv a shit how u c me..
I onli bother to explain and answer u bcoz I noe the one I care for MAYBE cares for u…
That’s all.
YES, I m talking to u.

I m tired.
I dun wanna explain myself anymore.
I’m not gona do dat anymore.
If u lash out at me AGAIN.. I’m not gona complain anymore..
Its ok to strike at me again n again.. just go ahead..
BUT thrs one ting u nvr tot of..
U are hurting the one I care for..
U realize dat?
Plz dun do dat..
If u do it again.. although I dun hav the rite to.. I will FORCE my way thru this time..
Yes I m selfish.
Who isn’t?

As of this year, this month, this day, 6th September 2009..
I owe u an apology for wad happened 365 days ago…
I’m SORRY.
Its partially my fault….i felt guilty.
But I’m SORRY that I dun regret it..

SORRY I m just the bitch that I m.

i shud blog.

blogging is therapeutic...
just as therapeutic as listening to gotcha calls on hitz.fm? nah..
my current life is just static.. wif inner monologues running wild in my head plus mainly rubbish tots... but i cant control my brain, my mind... tots just pops out... innner monologue just 'develops'... and its irritating.. u cant stop it.. u onli can when it pops out.. stop it midway.. anen another time it pops up again.. and the cycle continues... yada yada..

LIFE = static + mundane + not-interesting + close-to-penny-less = not blogging? maybe.
everyting is so boring now.. even tis post is freaking boring..
yar.. mushroom head wud say: get a life!

just tot of bloggin bout NOTHING.. as i just read yan nee's blog...
reading her latest post is like her regurgitating how i once felt and sometimes still feel... vomitting out how it all felt.. in gud english... in diff analogies...
sigh.
it happens.
like...
cutting thru ur heart wifout anaesthesia..
or
like ur heart is detached from all the veins and arteries and it just drop 3 inches from its position.. feels like !!!
or
u just dun wanna wake up.. just wanna stay in bed wif the covers over ur head.. wanting to b detached from the world...forcing urself back to sleep.. but u cant.. coz u keep tinking about rubbish.. and at the same time ur heart is hurting, aching... sometimes in denial.. sometimes not...
or
u're doing ur self convincing... telling urself that u're strong.. that tomorrow is gona b a brand new day... then the next day comes, but it dun feel brand new... so u set another new tomorrow for a brand new day.. dun feel that way 2.. and u extend for another tomorrow.. it drags on..
but sum days u do feel half brand new...
having half brand new days is an acheivement..

i dare say i've reached close to 85% of brand new everyday...
but i noe i'm so fragile a small kick can just eat away the 85%.. to 10% not 0%..
anen then it'll take another long time to regain back to 85%..
but sumtimes a small kick is inevitable.. rite? rubbish. me being a bitch in denial.

sucks to noe that ur stupid brain cant answer questions that ur heart is asking..
but isnt it the same blood that the heart pumps to the brain? isnt it connected?
self-analysing.
this is so random and if i type on more i bet there'll b more nonsense to blog about.

Mushroom head: Follow the flow.
Ok. That will do. Will do. Thanx screwed up fren :)

it's a wonder what is up for the future (is this the rite choice of words? Hmm..)

Career?
Aft form 6, I nvr knew wad I wanted to b.. wad I wanted to study.. so I applied whatever I cud.. then I ended up in IMU..
Now that I've graduated.. working as a temporary clerk now..
Sales guys from citilink and hsbc came to my office the other day.. being all nice.. well they hafta b.. just to TRY make some sales rite..my boss was out.. tenk goodness.. .. anyways... during the conversation one of the guys were asking 'why are u working as a temporary clerk here?'... the word.. clerk.. I din like the way I was associated wif it.. din like the 'ring' to it.. but it does come handy when u tell the Clinique lady that u're just a clerk and hafta wait for ur next mth's pay to buy that extra mask that she cant stop recommending
Well...I noe I din pick the wrong course after all.. being a clerk...office work is like smth new but as it goes on.. it bcums repetitive.. the same ting over n over again.. same ting, diff customer, diff amount.. all the same shit.
Well, at least being a pharmacist.. some days wud b repetitive.. but at least the patients are diff... diff expression.. diff feedback.. diff race.. diff story...
I might have a really boring and routine life as a future pharmacist.. but at least I noe I'll hav this sense of job satisfaction.. which is quite satisfying to noe. ;) minus the thrashing I'll get when I start working.. bring it on ppl... coz I'm all prepared..
hmm.. speaking of which.. need to do sum revision..
I dun mind getting thrash... aft all we've had plenty of practice in IMU..
All in all.. though I haven't gotten my posting.. career wise.. everything is fine.. so far.


Love?
Hmm.. this...
Love is even HARDER than studying.. heheheh.. IT IS.
Coz not everything make sense... and worst... u cant refer to any references that giv u the exact answer...kinda.

Confused..
Differentiating between infatuation and love? between love and care?
Are those differences.. so little... so close... like a thin line that differentiates lame from stupid?
Which is wad... and wad is which?
All is a mess.... a MESS..
Anyhow.. the future has not come.. and u duno wads gona happen..
But then again u r the one who shapes the future..

"walking away from the tunnel. Plans to just visit it may come up but a long while from now. we'll c then if I wanna jump in. but thats too far to tink about. Wads important is now.. so now I m walking away.. wifout a heavy heart.”

Follow the flow. Whatever goes.


Family?
Family politics exist.
This and that... AND that and this...
Bleh. I shant say more bout this.


Friends?
i always dread the tot when sum1 is gona leave..
like wif michelle.. and wif daphne.. then wif ame...
but then now i realise.. ac wad is more saddening than just sum1 leaving..
is when YOU leave uni.. instead of being left by a sum1..
u leave every1 else..
instead of literally losing a fren...
u 'lose' all ur frens...
u come back to ur hometown.. and it feels like ur social circle starts all over again..
as though its suppose to continue like how u left it 4 years ago..
but.. every1 else left 2..
and every1 else here is continuing their life like after how they adapted to it when u left..
just like how u adapt to another adjusted life when one by one ppl started to leave..absence any1?

Hmmm.... frenships are like relationships.. if sum1 is important 2 u.. mean smth to u..u wud at least spare a minute or 2 of ur time to call or at least sms.. dun giv me bullshit bout having no time.. coz if the person meant smth.. u wud have made an effort to reply.. is it dat hard? It makes u feel... unappreciated.. taken for granted..

Making effort... hmm.. it sucks & I hate it when ppl dun make an effort to reply msges... ok if u take a day or 2 to reply.. I guess its ok.. but not replying at all... shesh.. show some decency... respect? I duno... I'm not being all petty here but ok if u dun reply..fine.. u're bz yada yada.. and maybe the sms is nth important.. BUT when u're over ur bz time wif ur work.. and ur other half.. anen u call & ask y I hardly msg or call u anymore... well duh.. I dun bother anymore coz u dun even make an effort to reply... I noe I'm being sour but dats just the how I feel.

Sumwhr along the lines of ur blog.. that u wrote that u shant care about us so-called frens... and that family is more important.. and true enuff.. u din even bother to say hi when u got back wif this new other half... u rant bout us so-called frens.. but wud u plz reflect on urself and ask y.. y such n such.. and y this n that... I dun tink u might haf wanted it to come out that way.. but thats how it was reflected.. and frens get hurt.... and their image of u is just.. GONE...
I mean I hear stories but I gav u the benefit of the doubt.. although the same ting din happen to me.. but there are incidences that made me felt that I was being used.. u din exactly want my company as a fren.. u just wanted me to get u outa ur house..
But anyhow.. I've accepted this part of u...
I guess there are a few times also that I was kinda shocked that u turned to me when u needed to let tings out.. ac that was so long.. the memories of it seem a little vague now..
As we grow up.. I tink we all just tend to grow apart..

When u start 2 hav a new man in ur life... everything just happens all over again... repetitive.. the same old 'procedure'... which is ac quite nomal and after along while... to me at least.. it seems embedded in ur character.. so I nvr expect much from u.. its like man-less, no. 1 priority family, no. 2 friends... on the other hand, wif a man, no.1 priority still family, no. 2 man, no. 3 friends... I mean its ok that ur man is at no. 2 and its quite normal...but shudnt ur friends and man be at no. 2, at least a balance and not letting ur friends slide to no. 3..
shudnt friends b more understanding now that u've got a man? well... friends are humans 2.. and u cant just let them off like dat although u unintentionally do that.. when u do that they adapt to the change and get use to it... so this procedure repeats itself.. man after man.. so its quite expected of u..
we've adapted to that change AGAIN... anen sumwhr along the line.. u're over wif ur man.. and u turn 2wards ur frens.. they're not complaining.. good friends are here for u when u need them regardless of what so ever.. but u dun expect them to b like how it was b4 ur man.. I mean... its been awhile u noe... no doubt they will still care and try their best to 'cater' 2 ur needs.. not reluctant of coz.. but the way the msg was conveyed.. sounded forced to me.. like a CHORE.. it might not hav been meant that way, but thats the point of view in these shoes...
its not that its uncomfortable that tings arent the same anymore.. coz of the distance and the presence of ur man..and its natural dat we find new others to express and confide to.. I personally prefer to confide to my other own new frens that I made along the way.. just more comfortable that way but sumtimes not everything is 'li suo tang rang' u noe... trying to make an effort in trying to maintain a frenship that u tink is worth maintaining is ok but sumtimes.. i get tired.. just like in relationships.. where only one party is doing all the work.. at the end.. its all gonna crumble down..

sometimes I wish u wud see tings from another perspective.. rather than us being annoying, asking u over n over again.. I noe work is stressful and everything else... but dun RAISE UR VOICE AT ME!.. maybe u din realise.. and maybe u din noe.. and maybe u dun care but I do mind. Tink of it another way..we just wanna enjoy ur company.. spend more time wif u now that we're all distance apart... looking 4ward to c u.. not just being too free to msg and call to ask u for a confirmation.. we hav our own lives 2 u noe... nevertheless we still make an effort to spare a few minutes to msg u.. but whatever. Dats just how I c it.

Quoting from Deanna
"sometimes friends that u appreciate n cherish their good friendship may not be as appreciative as u appreciate them - painful but true"
This is why I don't bother making an effort anymore..
Y bother when some frens don't appreciate u as much as u do
Wads the point if it makes u feel under appreciated and taken for granted...
I don't OVER appreciate friends anymore coz I no its not a 2 way ting..
I was standing inside woolworth in aussie... and I saw smth that u wud like.. smth she wud like.. smth he wud like.. I grabbed it all.. as I walk to the counter I tot.. y m I so 'berkobar-kobar' in wanting to get these for them when they might not appreciate it at all.. so I put it all back.. and just bought smth for myself... that's how I c tings now.
NO this does not apply to u EVA! ;P
And all these r not just directed to A fren..

I always felt that my friends play an important role in my life... some parts where they bcum no.1 instead of family...
Friends no doubt are still important but now their importance shudnt hav such a heavy weightage (I duno whether this word exist)
The more effort u put in.. u might just b disappointed in the end.. hmm like I said, just like in relationships..
The difference between relationships and frenships is that.. when u get into some relationships u just noe its not forever… but in frenships.. those that matters at least.. u noe its forever.. and so u tot it was.

Ps1: not breaking frenships wif anyone!
Ps2: not so pissy anymore.. ok.. just wanna let it out.. n 4GET BOUT it.

I GRADUATED :)

kekeke.. after 4 yrs of misery... I GRADUATED!! *bow* *bow*
when i got to my seat after i got the 'cert.' i teared..
not coz i was sad.. but coz i finally made it.. after so long..
i wun say i pass wif flying colours.. but i PASS.. and noone givs a shit the grades i got coz I GRADUATED AND I'M A PHARMACIST... and u can go ahead and ask me my future pay *gRiNs* any1? ;P

at the moment ting.

previously i tot it felt just the same as a yr ago..
but then now...
it doesnt feel so much like it..
i mean the 'impact' isnt that great anymore..
i use to be able to feel the position of my heart.. and feel the pit of my stomach..
but now i dun..... not even a fraction of a second..
i guess i'm DESENSITISED oledi..
got use to it already i guess..

its hard for others to comprehend such a situation.. such a triangle..
either that or i'm just cheating myself..
but whatever it is...
i already sort of kept my word..
"i can try not to contact .. but its not in my control if ...contacts me ok."
.... contacts me all the time.. and its not in my control..

its a SHAME on u that u cant control ur man ok.
dun ask me how many lies that has been told to u..
its ur problem.. deal wif it.

it was already a known fact..
but it just feels like its being re-introduced again..
is it suppose to feel that way the same time of every year..
i hate it.
its not helping since theres nth else better to do now.
sumbody giv me smth to do!!!





its kinda hard to explain the feelings in words...
isnt any suitable words..
but coz i've gone thru it..
i guess i can cope wif it..
it wasnt easy the 1st time..
wudnt b easy this time.. but maybe just a lil less painful than b4..

i hav a gut feeling of the outcome already..

dun need to wait for 2 yrs..
i tink i already noe..
its sad n heart breaking to assume the prediction..
but wad to do.
life's not fair.
u dun get wad u want all the time.
but then again..
i guess u dun hafta to b wif the one u lurf... yes, still instilling that tot in my brain after a yr..
nowadays lurf is so hard to define.. i wonder whether i'm confused by its meaning..

anyhow.. although i have my assumptions.. that i hope wud not come true..
guess i shall just hope and wait for 2 yrs..
sometimes it sucks to not noe y ur mind and heart and brain function in such a way that make u feel this way..
sigh.

broken mug still there.
still standing outside the tunnel.. sitting on a chair... staring at my dark tunnel.

LIFE still has gotta GO ON!

Y r we back to square one?
Is there a new line u wud like to draw?
I tot I drew a line oledi..
u tell me that if I cannot make it to the line..
then I MUST tell u…
and so I agreed and also reassure and insist that I will get to the line..
I cant help it if u dun trust me..
I noe its my fault that u dun..
The damage has already been done..
I’ve apologized many times.. though it wun make a difference..
Anen suddenly u start at square one.. and make up ur assumptions..
the killer words ‘don’t care’..
how do u expect me to react n reply..
I noe u so well.. no matter wad my reply is, I already noe how d look on ur face is when u get it and ur next action even..
And fair enuff.. next action correct *tick*

I already drew the line..
It may seem hard for me to reach the line..
Ok.. it is hard for us to reach the line..
That’s y u ask me to tell u if I cant..

Wad exactly r ur intentions??
If u wanna cut the line… then just tell me y.
I dun wanna fight.

pissy. sien.

its gud to b back to this not so foreign land.. ya.. familiar land.. home.
BUT
it doesnt feel the same like b4 anymore..
and i hate it.
slap rite in the face..
hmm... 'Michele, welcome to adulthood'.
a taste of adulthood.
i hate it.
i dun wanna feel responsible for anything.
i dun wanna feel burdened by anything.
responsibility... burden.. thats for parents!
24 already.. an adult already.. sigh.
can it wait. ;(
hmm.. guess not le.
i SHUD b doing this..
sharing the responsibilities...
really feel like running away!!! normal human instinct..
but i noe i shudnt.

I dun care!!
Blardy hell.. give me a job sumwhr else pls!!
But wad to do here when theres so many mths of waiting for posting..

Can I just go back to kl and rot there??
But I’m renting my place till may only..

Can I move out??
Hmm not possible.

Can I just get a job so that I dun hafta stay home all the time??
The best idea already...
Sumbody get me a part time job!!
I dun care about the pay… erm.. but maybe not that low plz ;P
Waitress…
Tuition teacher…
Kindergarten school teacher… ehehhe..
High school teacher…
Erm.. assistant clerk? Do clerks need assistants?
Ideas ideas?!?!?

Yes.. pissy.. very pissy…always always pissy…
Me = pissy.
Wud nvr not b pissy. NEVER.
Me not pissy = me lost identity.
Rite?

GOOSE!

its been a long long time.

how time flies.

yes.. emo-ing bout the past.

a reply?

its just been a few days.. specifically 4 days.
but i tink time just suddenly feels like snail mode.
the decision has been made.. made wif alot of reluctance relli.

the mail has been sent.
it has been received.. confirm.
life is busy.. i don't expect a reply too soon.
but i noe u noe i m waiting for one.
will u keep me waiting and reply late?
wud u just not reply? plz.. no.

it DOES matter whether there is a reply or not.
it really wud mean alot to me for a reply.
sigh.

whatever the content may be,
it matters.

i'm out.

gropping in my dark tunnel..
i saw a a small ugly coloured spark..
so i walked closer.. the closer i went the bigger it looked.. it bcame obvious how ugly the colour of light looked.. but i had to get out of the tunnel..
so much shit was being pumped into the tunnel.. it was up to my neck already...
so i'm out of my dark tunnel.
i love and miss me dark tunnel... though searching around the dark... minus all the shit..
after all it was MY dark tunnel..
oh well...
even though i'm out.. i'm sitting wif my legs dangling n swinging outside the dark tunnel..
i'll b doing that for awhile..
i got use to the dark tunnel.. now out in the bright sun.. i need time to get use to it..
its gona b abit hard.. but i can do it..
n dun worry.. i'll b fine.. just need TIME.

hah. happy b'day Michele. Finals is on mon.

aiti..
do u noe how it feels like when its ur bday..
and u're not in the mood at all for it.. coz u hafta study!! cipiet.
but then.. lu yu bo ane eh tang study... coz alot of tings are on ur mind..
1. its ur b'day!
2. this other human.. hai..
3. fck. finals! as in THE finals.

sigh.. its easier to just keep everything behind my mind..
abuden.. KONG si geh le..
CHO is kang ko..

luan..
luan..
luan..
although theres alot of tings.. but..
everything wud b alot lighter after finals.. i cant wait!! -gazellion and two times-

but anyhow.. tenks for those that msged me..
and the few that came at like 12.40am (yes purposely so late).. tenks!!
means alot.. taking up ur studying time.. hugz.

it wud hav been better if u showed up at my door step..
but who m i kidding. :(

i remember 030404

every single time this yr.. i will always rem this day.. what happened..
030404
i duno y also..
n i'll rem back every single detail..
its weird..
but u noe it don't matter anymore..
i wish it did but..
after so many tings has happened..
after so many years..
i mean.. its been so long..
but at least i noe back that time.. i was really happy :)
sometimes i wish i cud go back into time.. to experience how 'that happy' felt again..
regrets..
ya we all hav them..
oh well..
i cant undo the past.. the tings that i hav done.. or the tings that i have said..
once its gone.. its gone..
once 'that-happy' is gone.. its gone..
embrace the fact huh?
duno.
thats not the point..
the point is that.. i just remember.. and i will remember it always.. every yr of todai.
orange long sleeve shirt ;) i miss the smell of it.

aiya. aiya. aiya.

aiya. aiya. aiya.
yes.. still in those wad-d-fck periods..

haiya. haiya. haiya.
EVERYTHING is so sickening-ly sien.
yes.. sickening-ly sien.

study breaks makes me constipated..
i feel so bloated.
(oh my word, it rhymes!)
hmm extra information? ;P

i cant wait till its OVER!!!!! said it again.. gazellion n one times.

after finals...

there is so much tings to do!!!!!!!!
shud i start my pre-exam-wad-to-do-list again??
shud i?

bah.. blogging is just another subconscious activity.. to NOT study..
sigh. sigh. sigh.

The first ting i need to do after finals is.. SELF-GROOMING..
i look like a wreck..

YES.. i do bath ok.

wanna..

cut my nails..
blow my hair..
shape my eyebrows...
yada yada.. so much that i can tink of now.

«¤°~£î£ Ðêv‡£~°¤ » - mindfcked. <-- truely indeed.

i've said this gazellian of times... but i just cant wait till the finals is over..
y not open a bottle of champagne after OSCE during quarantine?
y not start drinking rite after the last station in CSU?
sounds gud to me.
u?
;P

ok.

just when i started 'enjoying' a week of the OLD YOU... the care.. the nice old chats...
u just POURED the NEW u onto me AGAIN... AGAIN!
its like a slap back into reality...
new reality?
old reality?
i duno le.
confused.

cranky.
hello, i can b cranky too ok.

I HATE.

i hate i hate i hate i hate.... T H I S.
DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN.
I HATE STUDY BREAKSsSSsSssss....
i hate examsSsSsSsSSssssssss.....
can i just b at the time after exams but still sat for it oledi but i dun go thru the process although i did..
GET IT??? get it?
sucks.
aHhHhHhhHhHhHhHhHh!!

i duno.

i duno. i REALLY duno.
i care BUT i dun care. get wad i mean? ;P
so luan ar!
do i hav a say? or not?
feels like i do.. BUT feels like i don't?
whr is my stand?? position? tittle? hah!

'Seb' told me what i SHUD DO..
yar.. i noe... he always analyse situations the best.. honestly, i felt abit piss..
after that, listening.. to wad 'monster inc' had to say..
its AS THOUGH the coin has turned.. yar was quite happy..
hmm.. is as though a rite word..
i duno! if yes.. means the coin din turn.. if no.. then it did! *clap* *clap*
its not gona change la.
maybe just aft a yr n a half?
THEN WAD?
so many tings can happen!
i'm in denial man... hah dats how humans cope wif grief rite? hehe.. suck.

feel so indecisive!
hah.. duno whether DAT wud make a difference..
wad le.. talking n talking n going in circles..
so CHUAN.. u noe.. wad is CHUAN.

aiya. aiya. aiya.

AIYA-ing...
mock- OSCE is tomolo..
i'm just gona go screw up.
sucks. sucks. sucks.

PAUSE. WITH HOLD.

everything is all about exams now.
and everything that come my way and is coming my way apart from exams.. has to WAIT.
yes.. WITH HOLD... or is it WITHOLD.. whatever.
yup.. any bullshit that came and is coming.. has to WAIT.

*balls of bullshit, inches near my face, frozen in mid-air*

oh well, sori.. but its THE exam...
THE EXAM = future.

i dread the tings that i noe i hafta do after exams.. yar.. heart shattering shit.
ac exams is just an excuse to prolong the duration of not doing anything..
so wad. it is still an excuse.
at the same time, i dread exams...
so all in all.. dreading every single moment now.. and then.

its gona b an emotional rollercoaster...
can i pause and withold emotions too, till exams end? hehehe..
is emotions an action?
is an action called a verb?
ok.. out of the point.

can i skip it all.. but still hav gone thru it all.. but not feel how it feels like then n thr..
get wad i mean...
yar.. steph wud understand.

aHHhHhhHhHhHhHHHHhHhHhhhHH....
yaba.. so i was saying i dun care.. but tings happen... bullshit happens.
my dark tunnel.. well.. sum1 is pumping in alot of bullshit into it.. so if if i stay thr any longer.. i'll drowning in a pool of bullshit..
so i m gona do wad i haf to do.. though i hate it.
i dun mind if the coin turns.. dat wud b real.. wondeful.. but it wun.. though i will always hope.
once i'm done wif wad i do.. sigh..
i'm getting into my car..
driving to vina's house.. to get my MUG.

wad d.

yada yada yada...

life was..
just shit shit shit
anen it went to siening siening siening
anen it went to WHAT THE HELL mode...
wad d hell, wad d hell the whole way thru.. everything plus s'ban..
anen.. life NOW.. is... WHAT THE FUCK already..
i seriously dun mind siening + wad the hell..

i feel like i'm standing thr.. anen sum1 is just throwing balls of bullshit at me.. AND i din even duck.. yar... bullshit slam rite at muh face!

i was staring at my inbox tinking... HAH! is it like april fools? a joke?
its like i had to blink.. n blink..
anen it was still thr..
anen i just... chuckle.. and tink..
wad the fuck, wad the fuck, wad the fuck..
anen the last tot... FUCK.
oh my word..
somebody shud hold a 'hailer' those.. big microphone tingies.. and stand on the chair and say right in my face ... 'MICHELE, U R SOooooooooooo.. FUCKED UP!!'..
oh well.. oh well..
problem still not going away..
ok.. my bad.. undeniable true.. my bad..
but SERIOUSLY... i dun need such bullshit to b shoved in my face..
and it takes 2 to mingle.
dats all i can say.

p/s: sori for too many 'fuck's around.. no other better word..

why.

why do we still hold on.. when we secretly noe that its never gona work out?
just to make up for b4?
maybe not.
i duno.
a small part of us noe that whatever the outcome maybe, we wud.. i wud.. u wud hold on to the end..
well.. i wud.. u wud.. feel betta..
at least thr was some sort of something..
at least at the end, there wud b some memories to hold on to.. for me at least.

its like walking in a dark tunnel.. u duno where u're going.. just walking.. but u noe that there will b an exit at the end of the tunnel but u duno when u will reach it.. u dun wanna leave the tunnel but u're walking.. u ac cud stop.. but the rite ting to do is walk, so u walk.. u dun wanna leave but coz u're walking u noe u will reach the exit... just duno when.
u dun wanna wonder when.. though u noe when will come.
n u dun care anymore.
u're just gona continue walking.




last bye BAH.
i duno.. n i dun care.
u can giv me that glare.. or u can wonder.. or u can judge me..after all i can actually on my torchlight in my hand and run out to the exit...
BUT i wud prefer it if u wud giv me the support i need when i reach the end of the tunnel..
it wud b too bright.. i tink i can handle it.. but who noes.

Last bye.

When Christina Yang found Burke in Grey’s Anatomy, she thought that he was the one.
BUT then he wasn’t.
BUT how would she have known then.
I bet she love Burke and continued loving Burke though he left.
While she was feeling sad and she needed time to accept the fact…
She didn’t noe that in the future, she will meet… Dr Hund... and reali love him too..
Well duh, humans can’t c the future.

So I m Yang, feeling sad about Burke.. needing time to accept the fact that Burke left..
I don’t noe the future, I don’t noe the existence of Dr Hund.
I m doubting the presence of Dr Hund.
B’coz I m human, I can’t c the future.

Its better if we never care. Gud luck in ur exams. Happi birthday n congrats on ur graduaton. Take care. Last bye.

I m so scared and I fear this but this is MY last bye. NOT urs.

the old u

what happen to the old u?
where did the old u go?
i can’t find u.
where are u hiding?
can u plz show urself, coz I really relli miss u.
i miss the OLD u.
the old u .. the part of u that would nvr come back..
sigh. wad happened?
perhaps u just died.
maybe I was the one who help buried u.
but right now, wherever u may be.. died or alive… I miss u.
I don’t miss u.. I miss the OLD u. there is a difference.

all i wanna say is ....

this is.. M A D N E S S..
3 PCP for keivan in the next 10 hours..
i do PCPs like a tortoise.. even slower than Leo-Potato (fyi dats my pet tortoise)
abuden.. u shud haf seen his determined face...
he didnt care how we're gona do it.. we just NEED to do it... even we had to D I E (ehhe.. ok over exagerrating)
working under stress ? dats for carol ONLY..
blogging when i have like plenty.. no.. A SEA of work..
oh well..
Sori sir.. no i mean.. Sori Keivan.. eh no.. its Malaysia we dun call lecturers by name..he never gets that... Sori MISTER Keivan.. but since u're so persistent than i shall giv u QUANTITY and not QUALITY work.. *sheepish grin*

it is STILL madness.

and i m going to b rolling in this pile of SHIT for the next one mth..
one month from now.. this nite.. it will b.. all O V E R.. gosh.. it betta b.

Versus-es

Priorities VS options

Importance VS not-so-important

Finals VS holidays

Present VS future

Hopes VS disappointments

Laughter VS sadness

Rolling in shit VS IN shit

Broken glass mug VS perfect mug

Broken mug VS mug-less

This VS that

Then VS now

There VS here

Sighing VS kissing

Sleeping VS studying

PCP VS sleep

Maggie VS food

Coffee VS -nothing-

Life is a matter of choice huh.

All the WHATEVER-ness in the world is in my life.

My life is in a real M E S S.
*imagines multicoloured tangled ballssss of knitting strings*

No.. i dun discriminate smokers.

Went out for lunch..
Then saw a bunch of doctors from s’ban..
Smoking away after lunch…
I was like ‘shessh!’
I felt like lighting 2 cigarettes and stuffing them into each of their nostrils….

Yar go ahead n puff till u die.
Duno.. dats wad I tot then n there..
No I m not discriminating smokers..
I just dun get it.. doctors...n.. pharmacist...
Its not like u’re any lay person..
Every single system.. cvs… renal.. respi.. bla bla.. risk factor – smoking, risk factor – smoking

Maybe i dun smoke.. so I dun get the addiction…
And how it de-stresses u..
Hmm… no.. not discriminating..

i actually like the after smell on my clothes...

But does smoking really make u feel better?
According to yeoh peng nam.. it works at the beginning only.. anen ur threshold increases anen u need to smoke more n more n more..
Yar anen I’ll b seeing u in the bed at the ward… BHT titled Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Obstructive Airway Disease (AECOAD) .. n u wud b so happy.. coz u c a familiar face.. =) or maybe not.. ur face will b so crowded by that huge face mask supplying u 5L/min oxygen u cant even c me.. well too bad.
Gosh I sound so bitchy.
Me.. bithcy.. nth new. ;P

speechless.

unexpected.

a new glass mug.

a new beginning?

a new meaning?

i noe u guys wil thr for me no matter wad.

tenks so much for the mug.

it really means alot to me.

Hugz.

i nvr say much

not coz i dun wan 2

not b'coz i prefer to tell sum1 else

i just dun wanna disappoint my two best frens... AGAIN.

Me is so the very busy.

CNY ended a week ago. had a really nice time. best CNY ever. mini-reunion. nice.

[EVA TAN, u were suppose to b in this picture!]

back to reality. back to IMU. back to seremban. back to PCP, diarys and long cases.
back to pissiness. back to vista.

pissiness. hurt. all mixed into 1.
pissy for a day. putting words into my mouth. how totful of u. think of a better accusation next time. but who cares. real friends noe i wun say dat. so go ahead and make urself look like a clown.
pissiness for a day ONLI. coz that was the last day u were called friend to me. not pissy anymore coz i dun get pissed off at strangers. sori.

seremban. 'issues' bout pots and pans. hhehee such utter absurd-ness. stunn. nvr knew how any1 can make a fuss outa pots n pans. can i like write out a proposal to crazy frog, titled '15 reasons y u shud dump hitler?'. gosh, is 15 reasons enuff coz love is blind. hitler, nvr ever fail to piss me off every single seremban week. HAIL HITLER!

been bz. bz. bz. gona b bz till finals in early april.
bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz bz.
too bz to keep in touch. kinda.
but nvr to bz to sleep n sleep n sleep... and snoozing my alarm n re-setting the alarm half asleep.
=(

time passes by so quickily. sumtimes its so scary. (does dat rhyme?)
so many things are so uncertain. this n that.

classic advice: follow the flow.

hm.. welcome to L-I-F-E.

Hospital week 3's Inner Monologue

Do u noe how it is to noe that u wanna do good by helping ppl..
Charity.
One of the best form… by being a doctor.
But when u c the doctors in the hospital (ahem…not medical students) u tink that u wud not b possibly capable mentally and emotionally in facing so many sick people.. their cries, their anger, their grief..
the patience.
Too hard.. at least for me.
But no worries coz I m a pharmacist-to-b!
I guess wanting to do charity is not enuff… being able to really do it is another.
Not much that I can do accept from caring for their drug chart… and smile at them no matter how they look.. no matter how sad.. no matter how in pain they are.. I wud tink that they wud appreciate it..
And I really get irritated at us… as in pharmacist.. pharmacy students.. and the pharmacist in the hospital that wear heels.. when they walk in the ward.. its so loud.. *k-log* *k-log*
Shesh wud u giv the patients some peace!
And the aisle between the hospital bed is not a fashion runway to parade urself ok.
The patiets do NOT care what u wear under that labcoat of urs… and the HO (hospital officers) are to tired to even notice u.

Quote of the week by this Dr Bernard, a cardiologist: Pharmacist are like instant ‘drug information’ on heels.

Btw, the previous post.. too.. much anger..
She’s not so bad after all… I can tahan having IV bolus-es of her just not IV infusion.. plz… no more infusions.

so much for BEING PATIENT.

at 1st i was ok...
b4 coming... i VOWED to b patient..
but then todai during lunch.. i tink all my 'receptors' was triggered..
i guess it was lunch gossip session la..
u shud hav seen that mortified face after begin reveiled to the person's nuisance man...
it was quite entertaining really...
anyways.. triggered receptors... triggers unwanted emotions.. increases sensitivity..
makes me boiling u noe..
yar i tried not to b so sensitive...
but some ppl are just so impossible..
m i like beating around the bush?
no eva.. i m not over rating my nice-ness OK...

ji ko chabo.. eng eng tu di hia sigh sigh kio... beh si kong chin seh sia hi kuan eh ok..
tua tua sia...
ai the whole world to noe..
hamik tai chi!!
attention seeker..
its like ai lang to meng e... "eh y ar..wads the matter?" or smth...
gosh sori la.. i do not give a damn what the matter is for u.. i hav my own problems 2 ok..

at 1st wa chin patient...
e sigh at home, sigh in the hospital, sigh in the car...
every effing place!!
then wa sio ok la fine.. whatever
chin chin si spoil lang eh mood ok..
then it came to a point.. whr...
that time wa beh tong smth so ki ask the pharmacist..
speaking face to face...
then while i was talking hi ko chabo lai..
anen stand thr.. anen she freaking sigh out loud!
what the fuck where u indicating!!
so fucked up rude..
[sori mind my words].
ane tua sia.. i actualy turned to look at her and mutter to ask her stop sighing
maybe lu ai ask ques.. but dan la... eh si meh..
wad is ur extra priority over mine?? N O N E !!
then i tot.. damn it 4get it..
like i said... staying over here.. ai kua lang eh bin sek cho lang..
wa kua tiok e eh bin tu beh song...
i mean call me bitchy but.. during lunch, we gossip n dig out everything for talking sake..
anways.. just now..
bo tiaw ti e di hia sigh...
then wa beh tahan liaw..
wa tu kong "lu eh chai tau seng lu sigh in front of muh face!"
ci piet...
e respond di hia keh keh "wu meh, wu meh, di si"
then i was like "ya! tau sng... when wa ka pharmacist kong uah"
then e kong 'sori lo'..
yar.. so sincere BA!
o btw the 'conversation' was in english..
yu sio yu jiat...
wu leh mik kia mai ka e sng liaw..
but wu si.. e si kueh tau over man!
wa beh pat kua tiok lang ane calculative... liaw yu beh si bo lui hi kuan eh..
if not wa beh mind..
si beh wu lui ar..
kns.
tolok wu lang ane gau sng eh! even wa che laura eh chia pun bo ane gau sng..
wa eh chai che lang eh chia si ai ze tong la..
true. BUT ane kueh hun..
sio lai sio ki, cho peng iew mai ane gau ka e sng la...
i tot haiya beh hiaw kin la..
coz if i change my mind about it.. then e tu ka ki chi ko lang sai chia ki hospital ah si hamik la..
but then.. chi chun sio..
ane kuan eh peng iew eh worth it bo?
si beh si e tui wa ho sometimes.. coz of other motives?
is it coz wa si e eh bf eh peng iew?
kong chin ane keh eh lang.. chin kia lang le..
mai ane chin si siang ho liaw..
selfish to the max man.
e eh bf.. aiyer beh chai ar.. brain wash man... cant he c the selfishness... such a level of selfishness that no1 can beat man... i cant belief he din notice.. or for every piece of selfishness or incidence thr is a gud explanation?? cant he see a monster in front of his eyes!?!?! hehehe.. ok la.. dat was just over over over exagerating.. ;P
multiple doses of her.. is just to much over a long time in seremban..
i dun mind just intermittent doses.. not such a long term infusion.. uek!
if she din tink that humans cud b taken advantage on .. or she cud use ppl...
wud she even bother to b nice to any1??
eva tan.. r u reading dis..
so blur n vague kan...
for a second i wanted to tell u that i'll tell u wad i'm talking about during cny..
eh then i tot.. eh u;re not going back!!
sori 4gotten.. will tell u online then ;P

actually i feel kinda bad.. like 5% BUT.... she's not worth it. not at all.

HAPPY-NEW-YEAR!

1998-1999 Online countdown… MIRC was IN then

2000 S’wak club wif Krys, Sharon, Adel and… charlz heheh.. wah dat was ages…

2001 Rave wif ruby + up to no gud ppl..some of them.

2002 Liquid wif ruby, vina + bf + bf frens

2003 Club hopping wif ruby + sisters

2004 Mojo + Grappa wif Krys, Sharon, Eva, Ruby, Jeng etc etc

2005 Mojo + Grappa wif the rest + him

2006 Lawrence’s bbq

2007 Food + gambling + liquor in vista + Kch ppl
2008 Sunway beach blast + Ame,Alicia, Priss, Yewin, Iggy etc etc

2009
Happy new yr!! k abit late ;P
Wow.. so many yrs of celebration n partying.. every single new year… sorta..
Time to tone down? Hehehe.. maybe..
Sad dat I dun hav a lot of picture memories of them all..
Digital cameras didn’t exist so far back..
Anways..
A new year… a yr older…
I dun mind to b in denial to say dat I’ll only turn 24 in april… eh wait dats not in denial.. dats true! But whatever it is.. what age I m…
Its hard not to reflect on myself and ‘acheivements’ in 2007..
Hmm I tink one shud reflect on one self b4 the yr ends rite… so dat u can make new yr resolutions…

??? ;P

Heheheh… I guess which ever process come 1st, at least I have new yr resolutions… that I hope I can still keep aft January ends ;P
But u noe.. its hard.. dats y they are RESOLUTIONS..
Like I need to lose weight.. like a major problem OK.. its like fat pouring out…
like sum1 calls it.. MUFFINS.. get the analogy? Nvm.
at my eating rate… I’ll explode in my new CNY clothes…
ok la.. explode is exaggerating.. I wud not look too pleasant for the eyes..

anyways.. new year ever celebration..
din noe whr to go.. more of who to go wif… then I figured that I wanted to spend the start of a new year wif ppl that matters more to me… I mean if not, it wud just b so not meaningful..
new years might not mean anything to some.. like Chan..
but I duno.. I feel that it means smth..
and I din regret spending it wif the kuching ‘gang’..
we didn’t go clubbing….
just a small bbq and abit of catching up and abit of liquor.. nice.. and abit of gossip for eva..hehhee..
ppl I feel more comfortable wif.. ppl who wud accept me for who I m..
my comfort zone? More or less I guess.

i dun quite rem wad was so interesting stanley was saying

shy.
nice eh wad technology can do.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Just the 1st week of the yr.. considered… or 2nd.. whatever..
SPA = suruhanjaya perkhidmatan awam came to giv a briefing about some working stuff aft graduation.. wad to apply, whr to apply, how much salary *gRiN*
Etc etc etc…
Its like a slap in the face back to reality…
1. working in less than a yr time…
2. finals is near…
3. questioning my capability to be a REAL pharmacist in future
Bleh.. which reminds me that I shudnt procrastinate….
BUT ME time means alot of procrastination!..
I’m so into my laid back mode that its kinda hard to get use to the old bpharm days..
SIGH..
Yar Michele and her complaining…
Dats me.
3 choices to pick of all the states I wanna work in…
Dilemmaaaaaaaaaaaa………..
1st choice.. SARAWAK! For once I wish the state was smaller…
2nd choice.. KL?
3rd choice.. SABAH?? SELANGOR??

so big YET so small...
so small YET so big..
where to go?? which to choose??